Hiding in the Siberian underground during the unforgiving, freezing cold winter can be a chilly experience even for the most hard-boiled of scientists. Therefore we have created new, boiling hot winter wearables as well as other cool and fashionable TankTrouble essentials. Now you can also choose your preferred colour. Check out the shop!
The biggest nut to crack; the one we've been cracking at for years; the single most desired thing (since the website about sliced bread) and the heart the will fuel the future of destruction: TankTrouble online just aced a trail run in the test facility!
Conducting tests in the Siberian underground rarely goes without titanic catastrophes or minor mishaps. This time we were blessed with the latter: Shaking with euphoric excitement the lead scientists was unable to hold his coffee mug steady and spilled some into the control panel causing some slightly unorthodox behaviour on the website. The website has been restored to normal and we will revise our policy on the intake of liquids during crucial tests.
A test worthy alpha version of TankTrouble is getting exhilaratingly close. Stay posted!
A few weeks back, a mysterious golden box started popping up in the Garage of innocent, unknowing tanks. The confusion quickly turned to excitement as they discovered the extra tankcessories contained within. However, to many it was still unclear how or why these select few tanks had been graced with more swag than they could handle.
We have been working behind the scenes, and are now ready to proudly announce that achievements have finally come to everyone's favorite Russian tank simulator! Go to
the Garage to see which ones you already have and to scope out your next goal!
And brace yourselves – there are more to come!
Our laboratory is now decorated with the 25 Christmas tankcessories that we recovered from an old archive box. The scientists are munching ginger bread and crooning Christmas carols and jolly spirit has spread throughout the dark and unexplored corridors of the research facility.
Warm wishes from the cold, Siberian underground,
The Lab
@Santa: Be advised that we do not have a chimney. We suggest you enter through rocket silo B5. This will also ease the delivery of the nuclear reactor that was on the top of our wish list. Thank you.
In the Siberian underground we are working our socks off testing the next, big, destructive thing. And even though all lamps in the test facility are flashing red and lab rats are drinking coolant from our nuclear reactor which is leaking, we have allowed ourselves a calm cake break to celebrate this special day. So whilst munching on some dry cupcakes we recovered from an old, confidential file archive from the cold war, we honor the past year with memorable quotes from you, the tank owners:
"this game ROCKS!"
We are humbly honored. This kind of feedback is the mental fuel that TankTrouble runs on.
"what an absolutly auful game, how dare you suggest that i would want to spend my break playing this junk!"
We are terribly sorry that we do not meet your coffee break entertainment standards. We will get our top-notch scientists on it right away!
"I love this game! It's so addicting, I just wish i could play online v.s. other players"
Online is a tricky dog biscuit. Our runner-up top-notch scientists are cranking on it!
"This most popular site since the one about sliced bread!"
We agree. The one about sliced bread was epic.
"Iam going crazy man crazzzyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We suggest you eat some sliced bread. That helps.
"The awesome people who made the awesome game tank trouble should give single players a choice as to the difficulty of my hero Laika"
Laika is a very independent individual and does not come with a difficulty setting (read the news from 29-03-2009) but we are trying to reanimate other foes.
"hi i say awsome i luv u guys dont eva finish dis website <3 luv u zebragirl"
Having been buried for too long, too deep in the Siberian underground we are not completely down with this modern, hip language of abbreviations but after a little research on the Internet we luv this feedback!
Happy birthday TankTrouble!
...or was it all by design?
Here are some answers from the Siberian underground to help untangle the tankcessory box mystery:
The Christmas Advent Box
Every day from December 1st and until Christmas morning the 25th, special Christmas advent tankcessories will be released. You will keep all the tankcessories you unlock, but you must log in every day to unlock them.
The Halloween Box
Only tank owners who had a Halloween tankcessory equipped on All Saints' Eve own this grim, grisly and ghastly box of gruesomeness. Now the quick-witted tank owner who did dress up might ask why the box disappeared during November. Well, that was *ahem* just a minor hiccup. And those green-eyed tank owners who forgot to dress up, fear not! Supernatural horrors will be summoned again next Halloween.
The Golden Box
This mysterious and highly desirable box of awesomeness contains special tankcessories that can only be unlocked by special achievements. Unfortunately, at this time, we are not at liberty to reveal what these achievements are. Why? Because they are top secret!
We hope that clarified things and give our sincere, subsurface tankpologies for possibly having confused the matter more with non-existing words from our tankcabulary.
The Lab
Although the secret TankTrouble research facility is buried deep underground in the vast Siberian wastelands, and the Russian government has so far been unsuccessful in its relentless attempts to locate it (knock on concrete ...there is no wood in our bunker), the Christmas Spirit did find us! Jolly silliness has heated up our moist, underground corridors and the scientists are tremendously excited about the prospects of gingerbread and eggnog, not to mention the old box of grubby, radioactive Christmas decorations we found recently. Each day, until Christmas morning, we will release one new, special (and relatively safe), Christmas decoration tankcessory. And since today is December 1st, go to
the Garage now and unlock your first!
Ho ho ho, from the Siberian underground
Note: To unlock a tankcessory you must log in on the day it is available. Then it is yours to keep.
During a reconnaissance of unexplored corners of our secret, underground research facility we came across an old box of dusty Christmas decorations. The decorations have suffered the teeth of staring lab rats and the box appears to be somewhat radioactive. Anyhow, given it's the only Christmas decorations we have, we still think they make a perfect Christmas advent calendar:
Every day starting from December 1st. to Christmas morning we will put a new Christmas accessory in the Garage.
Each accessory will be available for one day only.
So log in every day to claim and unlock a special Christmas accessory for your tank!
Though this paranormal activity falls completely outside our usual scientific approach to destruction, we will practice more black magic on November 1st and banish the undead. Anyone who has logged in before then get to keep their Halloween accessory collection for good!
Obliviously unaware of the dangers he was about to unleash, one of our scientists has, as pastime, been doing some bedtime reading in the Necronomicon. He has also been reciting certain passages from the book and practiced necromancy for beginners during lunch breaks. This has awakened an unearthly, ancient evil and summoned a range of spine-chillingly horrifying, undead tank fitments to the Garage. If we were in the business of baby panda rehabilitation we would consider this a slight problem... but we are not! So in the name of Halloween, we welcome our paranormal brothers of destruction.
Go to
the Garage and get ready for some serious candy soliciting!
Mobile tank owners don't always have a friend or foe nearby. Consequently, the TankTrouble lab has been working hard to harness the powers of the Internet. TankTroublers be warned: TankTrouble iOS is now fully online!
Download TankTrouble iOS 2.0 now!
It seems that Apple is taking their time to approve online destruction for the App Store. While we are still holding our breath here in the underground lab, we have created a new range of fashionable and highly desirable tank accessories. Go to
the Garage now and soothe your disappointment and impatience with some fresh swag for your tank!
It is taking longer for Apple to approve TankTrouble iOS 2.0 than the scientists expected. We suspect they have gotten
so immersed in testing online destruction that they cannot put it down and get on with approving it. Stand by, it could be any minute now!
Online destruction is in hot demand and since the day TankTrouble was conceived this has always been the ultimate goal. The scientists have spent many sleepless nights, overheating their copious grey cells, and lab rats have fearlessly thrown themselves into dangerous experiments for this greater cause. Today we had the first breakthrough and successfully tested online TankTrouble iOS battles. And rest assured! We are not slowing down our relentless efforts to achieve the ultimate goal of epic battles of online destruction.
Recharge your iThings and prepare: TankTrouble iOS 2.0 will be unleashed on the AppStore on Friday!
The TankTrouble scientists know everything! They have distilled their comprehensive knowledge into an essential list of frequently asked questions. So if you need help check out the new
F.A.Q.
Just now, our lead scientist slipped out of his coma caused by extreme disappointment and most fortunately it seems his memory is intact. He is now, as we are writing, entering the top secret deploy codes. He's typing agitatedly and with determination... the codes are very long and complicated... white froth is appearing in the corner of his mouth... the entire underground research facility is holding their breath in excitement... and the codes are in!
The lead scientist presses the red button and now, by the power invested in us by the gods of destruction, the spanner is revealed!
Go to the Garage now and pimp your tank!
As the scrapyard was getting closer to the half-a-billion mark, the TankTrouble lab was working increasingly harder to finish a most awesome upgrade - an upgrade worthy of celebrating an achievement of that destructive magnitude.
After many long nights, the upgrade was complete. The lead scientist put his finger on the red deploy-button while the rest of the team were ready to pop the champagne. Everyone were tired, exhausted and droopy-eyed yet bursting with excitement to see the Scrapyard flip to the awe-inspiring, all-glorious 500000000; only to find out the moment was long gone...
It is hard to describe the magnitude of the disappointment that hit the research facility. Imagine if a dog peed on the bonfire, covering your marshmallows in a cloud of steam just as they were reaching their maximum marshmallow potential. That's how it felt. Or maybe even worse.
Unable to cope with this level of disappointment, the lead scientist slipped into a coma-like state, which probably has a fancy name among psychologists. And to make things worse he is also the only one with knowledge of the deployment codes (for safety reasons that is - remember the trainee episode?), so while we wait for him to snap out of it, we are unable to deploy the upgrade. Sigh.
We have sent for a shrink. Expect news soon!
Though procrastination is our favorite activity, between that and cleaning we bit the bullet and performed, as warned, a thorough cleaning of the hangars today. 186K of old, dust-collecting tanks were retired from the database. May they rest in peace.
Excuse us if we just had a long vacation... we did. Let's call it research.
So we were exploring uncharted and exotic destinations while following our trusted guide book with essential tips and tricks for those on the road and such, when most unfortunately the index page was lost during a stampede. This was indeed inconvenient (the index page being lost, not the stampede) when we needed to look up something important. We immediately thought (well not immediately, after the stampede had past) of the TankTrouble forum and how it would be significantly improved if one could find what one was looking for when one wanted to find it. Much like what an index page does; like a search function. So that's what we decided to do once we returned to the Siberian underground. Anyway, that turned out to require actual brain power so instead we added pages and some pretty graphics. Enjoy.
It seems that numerous old tanks are collecting nothing much but dust and their only contribution to world destruction is database congestion. And that's not very efficient. Therefore while cleaning is most definitely one of our least favorite activities, this is exactly what we are going to do:
ON SEPTEMBER 1ST 2012 ALL TANKS THAT HAVE BEEN INACTIVE FOR ONE YEAR WILL BE RETIRED!
To make sure you don't lose your tank, simply log in.
After long, sleepless nights tackling unyielding zeros and ones... having shed blood, sweat and lab rats... reaping the powers of Bluetooth technology... we, the TankTrouble lab, humbly present to you the perfect constellation of bits and bytes: TankTrouble iOS wireless!
Download TankTrouble iOS 1.1 now and challenge your nearby friends in wireless combat.
Since the release of the TankTrouble iOS App, our mailbox has been red-hot due to incoming requests for more! We read all your feedback and we realise that mobile tank owners don't like sharing with their enemies. That's why the lab has been hard at work harnessing the power of wireless technologies. The result is that your sharing days are now over: Soon you can battle wirelessly against those around you.
So recharge those phones, pods and pads. TankTrouble iOS 1.1 is unleashed this Friday!
Since our announcement this Monday many tank owners want to know what is "cooking".
A wise, old Russian proverb goes:
Do not sell the skin before the bear has been shot.
Or as we say in the TankTrouble lab:
Don't milk the cow before you've got corn flakes in the bowl.
...because we love metaphors and living in an underground bunker does strange things to your brain.
Thus to avoid selling a skin we do not yet have or milk the cow in vain, our lips will remain sealed. Scientists are conducting final tests on the "corn flakes" and more will be revealed on Monday.
It has been a tough winter in the Siberian underground. After the release of mobile destruction - the TankTrouble iOS App - the Russian government intensified operation собачьи галеты: Find and obliterate the secret TankTrouble laboratory. Thus we have kept a low profile but are in no way in hibernation. We have been cooking on something special from our own, explosive cookbook and it will soon be "well done". Expect more news soon...
Not too long ago the TankTrouble App was unleashed on the App Store and here in the lab we are delighted to see the app being downloaded by TankTrouble fans around the world.
We are well aware that the app does not have all the destructive features from the website ...yet! The website had a head start and naturally it will take the Laboratory's mobile division some time to catch up.
Meanwhile, if you have some great ideas for the upcoming update or if you have found a bug we need to hear from you!
Please report to
www.tanktrouble.com/ios
And if you haven't got the app yet you know where to get it...
On December 16th, 2007 the first TankTrouble tank ventured into the mazes and was soon turned into shrapnel.
Today, oodles of demolished tanks and four years later, it is the 4th anniversary of TankTrouble.
Here in our top secret research facility deep in the Siberian underground, the scientists are delighted to celebrate this magnificent day by unleashing mobile destruction on the App Store.
Get TankTrouble for your iPhone or iPod now!
May the destruction be with you ...wherever you go.
Yours sincerely,
The Lab
Next Friday, Friday the 16th of December, is an extraordinarily special day for TankTrouble and all aficionados of destruction. On that day, four years ago, the Scrapyard's digits flipped to count 1 as the very first TankTrouble tank was demolished. Next Friday, tanks have been in trouble for four years. It is the 4th anniversary of TankTrouble.
To celebrate the anniversary in the appropriate, destructive fashion, the TankTrouble laboratory has been building something very special for you: A pocket-sized weapon of mass destruction. After countless hours of grueling development and numerous lab rats sacrificed, it is ready to be unleashed. We are delighted to announce the release of the TankTrouble iPhone/iPod app:
The TankTrouble app will be unleashed in the iTunes store on Friday - December the 16th.
It has come to our attention that the following rumor is spreading faster than shrapnel from a frag bomb:
"The TankTrouble Lab is in the final stages of testing a pocket-sized, mobile weapon of mass destruction that begins with an i"
The Lab can not confirm to dismiss that we affirm not to verify the possible validity of such a rumor.
In other words:
The Lab refuses to deny that there is no substance to the truth of this rumor.
This is nothing but tittle-tattle.
The Lab would also like to use this opportunity to deny all speculations that our press agent has not worked as a spin doctor for the Russian government.
Santa himself has handpicked 10 Christmas colors and assured that they will get you and your tank safely through the wait. Here in the cold Siberian underground we really have no idea what he is talking about.
Anyways, go to the
Garage and embrace the spirit!
During the last few days the TankTrouble servers have experienced a few speed bumps and frustrated tank owners with little patience were defeated by long load times. This was caused by a database problem which is way too boring and impossible to explain within any reasonable length of text so instead we will blame it on a radioactive leak from one of the old, rusty barrels in the server room. The situation is now contained and the servers are back to normal.
Also some might have noticed that our intern was messing with the style sheets for the News section #@!§*. He claims it's fixed and that the News are back in style. So to speak.
The more important question - the one on all tank owners' minds - is of course: What's in the pipeline?
Well, there's a reason we are a top secret laboratory inconveniently located deep in the Siberian underground. At this time we are not at liberty to reveal anything.
More information will follow soon. Stay tuned!
Thanks to all the 2000 fans - we could not have done it without you. Quite literally.
Thanks to our moderators who update the facebook page and keep it nice and tidy.
...and if YOU have not joined yet, do it NOW!
http://www.facebook.com/pages/TankTrouble/114035121952608
And as we like to say here in the lab: One can always destroy more! So when we reach the bar we just raise it higher. Let's shoot for 5000 likes! And we need your help. Tell your friends, foes and family about TankTrouble and make them join! (by force if necessary)
THANK YOU!
The lab recently conducted some top secret tests in the most desolate, inhospitable, godforsaken part of the vast Arizona desert. We, the Lab, cannot reveal what exactly was tested. In fact, we are not at liberty to reveal anything at all as this would compromise world peace. Our lips are sealed! However, though we are not yet ready to unleash the wrath of the
weapon thing we tested, we were inspired to create a new, burning hot, dusty palette for your tank. Go to the
Garage and get your tank into a sweat!
The hot summer fad is available for a limited time only!
In the underground of Siberia we noticed that the website was becoming increasingly slower. The scientists long tried to locate the root cause of this problem but with no luck. Then one day the intern had a flat tire on his scooter (we use scooters to get around - it's faster in the long corridors) and headed for the server room - that's where we keep the spares. Long story short, he found the servers red-hot and over-exhausted from an inconceivable and relentless stream of destruction-information from all over the world. Tanks are popping 24-7, and faster than Fred Astaire step dancing on bubble wrap, and we record, log and catalog every single one!
But, with great destruction comes great responsibility! And the scientists are not late to get their hands dirty. Now the top secret, encrypted communication between you and the Siberian underground has been optimized and is 900% faster!
That's fast!
And don't worry. We still record all the destruction.
In the highly unlikely event that you browse to another website remember to log out first. That way you make sure your victories are stored.
Even though the warming rays of sun, the blissful twitter from newly hatched birds, and the fresh, revitalizing scent of blooming flowers never reaches the dreary depths of our secret, underground research facility, we can see in our calendar that it is spring. We celebrate this with all new, fashionable spring colours, so head on to the
Garage and get a paint job.
Fashion forward spring colours will be available for a limited time only!
Sighs of awe echoed through our underground laboratories as the scrapyard flipped the last digit and counted 300.000.000 tanks demolished. The scientists could not help themselves and celebrated with a Трепак. Also they threw a bone down the shaft to the lower level where Laika roams. Contented growls were returned. It took blood, sweat and tears (and plenty of explosives) to reach this goal and we would never have made it without all of you destructive tank owners.
The lab is honored.
Did your enemy ever get away or did you ever get nailed by a chasing bullet because you got stuck on a wall?
If so, this is for you:
The scientists have developed a new tank base with out-of-this-world, superlative traction belts. With these new babies equipped even the worst tank operator will never get stuck on walls again - the tank will simply pull itself free. These contraptions are standard equipment on all tanks. Hardcore tank operators can turn them off in the settings menu.
We have received numerous requests from players that want to change their password or change their email. This is all possible now! Go to the
Garage, log in and click the document icon.
...and while you are there, sign up for the TankTrouble newsletter and be the first to know when new, explosive features hit the maze!
Are you curious to know how you rank amongst other tank owners? Then check out this useful, little prototype made by our intern. Visit
The Lab.
The Lab
While all the scientists were busy creating dangerous, new, destructive weapons with cool Japanese, fling-flong hi-tech we had the intern do some boring jobs that we have put off ourselves for way too long:
- Weekly Victories Highscore ...which by mistake replaced the all times top 10. Blame the intern!
- Password and username recovery (accessed from the ? on the login box).
Enjoy!
The Lab did some final adjustments to the tank login system and it is no longer in beta.
All tanks that were not logged in during the last six months were terminated.
Long time, no see! Scientists have been to Japan to research new, state of the art wireless, hi-tech fling-flong and have designed a special weapon for you lazy ass couch potatoes. Get yourself an RC Missile and chase down your enemies without moving a nozzle.
With the new Booby Traps spreading death and destruction in the mazes, and the Death Ray downgraded, the scientists are wondering:
Watch where you drive - your enemies might have booby trapped the maze! There are 3 Booby Traps in a crate and you better remember where you deploy them or you might just booby trap yourself! ...and a tip from the scientists: If you step on one DON'T MOVE!
For some time the research facility have experienced severe instability in the electrical system. This has made development extremely difficult. Yesterday it peaked and caused several power generators to fail. We tracked the problem and found that the rapid charging of the Death Ray's high capacity cells instantly drained all juice from the research facility and, for a moment, left it as dry as a desert while the generators tried to catch up. To solve the problem the scientists have slowed down the recharging of the Death Ray.
Yesterday at dusk, we - the scientists - were once again back at the surface to complete the testing of the Booby Traps. The prototypes had been deployed the preceding day and all we had to do now, was to blow them up, but we soon learned an important lesson: When testing Booby Traps, remember where you lay them out ...which no one seemed to do. However, this was no major setback. Just a small bump in the road that called for the bomb squad (specially trained lab rats that sniff out explosives).
The rats spread out in random directions and the scientists waited in intense silence. For a moment, like a prelude to a grand symphony, a cold Siberian breeze swept the wastelands. Then a sharp click and a tiny squeak. Time paused for an instant, and like profound poetry a series of deafening explosions unfolded. Dirt and lab rats mixed in a mayhem of colours like kindergarten finger painting on steroids. Using the sky as a canvas, divine artwork was created that would make the most convinced atheist believe in the presence of a higher being. Then silence.
With satisfied, savage smiles and lab-rat-guts on their safety goggles, the scientists returned to the underground research facility.
Booby Traps are coming to a maze near you!
...and Laika approves of the level of destruction: "
Two paws 
up!"
Yesterday, the scientists had a breakthrough in the development of the Booby Traps and the first prototypes reached a level of completion suitable for testing. Unfortunately, the test facility was blown up and became inaccessible (not to mention extremely hazardous) when testing of the Death Ray got slightly out of hand. The Booby Traps had to be tested on the surface.
According to our intel there is a short time span just before dusk where no Russian satellites are watching, as they are all orbiting other skies. So, as the sun was setting, scientists emerged from the depths of our underground research facility.
The remaining sunlight was blinding and felt warm on our pale faces, and it was a strange sensation to breathe fresh, unfiltered, non-recycled air. But there was no time to linger and enjoy this rare opportunity. We rushed out on the barren Siberian wastelands and deployed the first prototype Booby Traps. When deployed, they automatically buried themselves under the top soil and, as per design, then activated. Then, time was up. The first Russian satellite would soon return to the Siberian sky and come in range to spot us. We hurried back to the underground.
Tomorrow at dusk we shall surface again to perform the final, most interesting part of the test: Blowing stuff up!
When the weapon vote closed yesterday it was clear: Booby Traps! TankTrouble needs Booby Traps.
Thrilled and excited to bring this splendid, stealthy surprise-device into the mazes, the scientists skipped breakfast altogether and began development this morning at 0600 hours.
Booby Traps are coming!
...and Laika approves of the choice of weapon: "
Two paws up!"
Inspired by the lavishness of awesome ideas from the forums, the lab has sketched up some evil new weapon concepts which are ready to be put in production.
In August 2009 the Russian government intensified their efforts to locate and obliterate the secret underground TankTrouble research facility. We decided to immediately halt the development and shut down the facility. We flipped the lever to the main power generator; we set the lab rats free; we dumped our entire stock of canned dog food (13.783 cans) in the elevator shaft to the prohibited Level G-5 where Laika roams, hoping this would keep her alive until we'd return. As the deafening noise of the cans scrambling down the elevator shaft faded to silence, the scientists made their way to the surface. They then dispersed to different places around the globe to lay low through a life in exile. One scientist went to Europe and studied a Ph.D. while another went deep into the Rocky Mountains to work on a classified project. They were all just waiting for the day to return to the Siberian underground.
No sign of life has escaped the Siberian underground for the longest time in the history of TankTrouble. While we regret this, the Russian government is convinced that TankTrouble is no longer nothing but a myth.
We are back!
P.S. We are pleased to hear occasional, distant screams of lab rats emerging from the elevator shaft to Level G-5. Our favorite titanium killing machine, Laika, is alive! We know she kept you busy in our absence.
The lab gets lots of requests that Laika should be given weapons. Scientists have been reluctant to do this, as Laika is already far beyond control. Now we gave her the laser. YOU asked for it!
+facebook linked to the Lab's TankTrouble facebook app ...or at least it was supposed to. Unfortunately cooking up a facebook app wasn't as painless as the Lab assumed; It needs to go through a formal facebook approval process and is doing so currently ...then +facebook will be back!
Highscores are in high demand! So, our mathematical super brain, senior-über-scientist Dr. Yakowski, has come up with a secret formula that calculates just how skillful YOU TankTrouble tank drivers really are. Here's how it works:
- Defeat tank owners with the same experience to gain 10 experience points.
- Defeat tank owners with more experience and gain more.
- Defeat tank owners with less experience and gain less.
Let the separation of the sheep from the wolves begin!
For a fair start, all Scores, Deaths and Kills were reset.
FAQ.
Q: Is the formula really secret?
A: No, it just sounded more cool that way. If you insist, here it is:
winnerExperience += round(min(20, max(1, 10 + (loosersExperience - winnerExperience) / 100)))
We have replaced 247 meters of cable and we are back online.
Just as we were finally ready to deploy a new feature, our lab rat cage-control-computer had a short circuit and opened all cages. After two hours of rat chaos and 114 casualties (all lab rats) things were back under control
...we thought. But, in the heat of the battle the rats had nibbled away on some important cables and some core systems crashed - lab rats are smart!
The damages are being assessed.
Some users are experiencing problems opening our new TankTrouble T-shirt shop. We would like to get more feedback so we can resolve the issues ...that is, if there are any! Also tell us what you think of the T-shirts and the other stuff in the shop.
Write your feedback in the feedback box or send an email to
feedback@tanktrouble.com
The Lab is proud to present a destructive collection of hot T-shirts straight from the cold Siberian underground. Whether you want a hoodie for the hood, a fierce pneumatic titanium dog on a tank, or a chaotic TankTrouble battleground for your mouse, TankTrouble Essentials' got it. Check it out!
Many lab rats and raw fish have been sacrificed in the process, but now the Death Ray has finally been released. Traveling at three times the speed of light, this weapon pulverizes anything in its path, so get ready to fry your opponent instantly in a scorching, white-hot Ray of Death!
After 48 hours of intensive brain squeezing and numerous failed attempts to crack the mystery of the Death Ray, prototyping came to a standstill. So we ordered some takeaway sushi. Too exhausted to provide a proper chopstick-grip, a scientist dropped his wasabi into the prototype. An über-white flash exploded from the prototype as it discharged a wasabi-green beam through 27 reinforced concrete walls, seven blast doors, and five california rolls.
Lunch had gone from raw to charcoal and destructive smiles slowly widened on the blinded scientists' faces. There was no doubt. This was the Death Ray.
Put on your safety goggles and prepare! The Death Ray is coming to a tank near you - pray it's your own.
This morning our scientists believed they had recreated Demitri's machine able to produce the Death Ray. They rushed to investigate it in the lab's test facility. At 0600 hours safety-goggled scientists powered up the prototype, folded hands, said a small prayer and pressed the red button. The hall was illuminated with a radiant, burning white light. Crisp, electrified static - much like a tired pickup on an old vinyl record - echoed from the concrete walls.
The broad smiles quickly disappeared as the scientists un-goggled. All the lab rats had survived. A complete failure. Plenty of Ray but no Death! Crestfallen, the scientists left the test facility with one question on their minds: Is this ingenious, ultimate weapon theoretically impossible or just plain impossible? Will the project be shelved?
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In 1919, according to legend, Russian scientist Doctor Demitri is said to have conceived a machine able to produce the theoretically impossible frequency known as the Death Ray: A beam that will penetrate all matter - the ultimate weapon!
Existence of the Death Ray was never confirmed, Demitri vanished and the weapon was thought of as no more than a myth.
Yesterday, during spring cleaning, in the darkest corner of our secret
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underground complex, we found an old, dusty file cabinet. In a file labeled 'Strictly Confidential. Proper- ty of the Government of Russia,' we found an old newspaper. It never reached the press as the bureau closed under mysterious circumstances.
The newspaper confirms Demitri's Death Ray and gives clues to the impossible theory. With the paper in hand, our scientists hope to reproduce Demitri's machine. Prepare for the Death Ray!
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As a result of the latest poll, Laika is furious!
Consequently, during and shortly after the poll she added another 1.000.000 tanks to her nonexistent conscience.
We get much feedback requesting to make Laika easier or offer a difficulty setting. We can't! Laika is unapproachable, raving mad and locked up behind multiple pulse beam reinforced steel doors in the depths of our underground complex. Laika is beyond the scientists' control!
...and besides, have you ever heard of a pneumatic dog on a killing frenzy with a difficulty setting? We haven't!
In its fairly short life Laika has destroyed 2.000.000+ tanks. Have our scientists awakened the meanest pneumatic-powered titanium dog ever or is it just plain lucky? It's time for a poll:
The lab is proud to announce: The maze creator is back!
And we even improved it some! Log in, go to the
Garage and get started...
(You can play other tank owner's mazes too! Click the gear button during the game to see how.)
Repaint your tank in the cool and crisp winter fashion colors. Available for a limited time only! So hurry up to the
garage and take your tank for a stroll down the catwalk.
We handpicked some moderators to clean up our messy forum. The forum now has less crap, it's more fun, and provides a better soil for fruitful discussions. We think the moderators are doing a good job and decided to put their names under the discussions they moderate. With that and a bunch of other minor improvements, though mostly visible for the hardworking moderators, we hope to improve the forum even further.
Though we rarely write, we read almost everything you write. And we listen! Engage yourself, articulate your ideas in the forum and impact TankTrouble development!
Server failures have put the whole lab in distress for weeks. Our scientists sweated blood adding a malodorous stench to the already uneasy atmosphere. They have squeezed their brains out trying to crack the meltdowns. Now, we have finally put them to rest. Let's go back in time...
16th of December: The lab unleashes the devastating 52% Laika clone whom, before contained, munched a scientist or two. Laika destroys 200.000+ tanks and redefines destruction!
18th of december: The killing frenzy is out of control and in the end it kills the server. TankTrouble is down! This dreadful day will forever remain a black hole in the history of TankTrouble.
16th of January: A good deal of weeping, Christmas cookies and hard work later TankTrouble was moved to new servers and back online. Fans, ready to deem this a national holiday, wrote heart-rending feedback. The lab held hands and for a minute of silence the only sound was the soft impact between the concrete floor and the scientists' tears of joy. But bliss was short...
21st of January: A series of meltdowns started. Panic spreads in the Lab. All scientists are taken of their current projects to assist in locating the source. The next 29 days would be a bumpy ride with the server going up and down faster than a cow tit in the hands of a trained cowgirl. Apocalyptical frustration and doomsday-thoughts tormented the Russian underground.
19th of February: The lab concludes there are no bugs eating up server resources. The problem is the server. It was all we could afford but we still blame it on our intern who picked up the ancient artifact at the local flee market. Him and the server have now left the complex through the rocket silo.
20th of February, yesterday: Scientists cancelled their upcoming annual highlight; an excursion to the surface and rolls with jam. With the money saved and the coins from the vending machine, the lab to invested in a dedicated server.
TankTrouble is now residing on a German kraftwerk. With this state-of-the-art monster in place, the lab believes that the time of the meltdowns is now merely a closed chapter of horror that will slowly, like the half-life of Uranium, fade in our memories.
The Lab
Some core scripts keep failing. So far the bugs have outmaneuvered our Scientists but they are doing everything possible to smoke 'em out! In the heat of the battle we have disabled custom mazes temporarily.
Though raving mad, Laika is in high demand - everybody wants to blow her up! Understandable. In her first days, she has already blown up 200.000+ of YOUR tanks and is without doubt the most dangerous pneumatic titanium dog to have ever barked! However, this fast paced, out-of-control killing frenzy is pushing servers to the max and has caused some core mechanisms to fail. As thrilled as we are for having unleashed this creature, we are equally frustrated about these breakdowns. Our most brainy scientists have put on their thickest eyeglasses and dug themselves deep down into the bits and bytes of the core scripts to resolve the problem. We will keep you posted...
The days of cursing the mouse, as your tank got stuck in the top of the maze, are history! With the new, improved mouse control, your tank will follow the mouse cursor whether it's inside maze bounds or not - sweet!
For years the Russian government has searched for the crash site of space dog Laika's satellite in order to forever destroy the last possible evidence of their disastrous Cold War project that went terribly wrong. They never found it. We did!
In the depths of the Pacific abyss, TankTrouble researchers located the satellite wreck and retrieved the clues and answers to some of the questions of this strictly confidential incident.
Now, after many dark hours of grim and dreadful experiments in the laboratory's deepest pits, behind armed pulse beam doors, TankTrouble scientists have awoken something they shouldn't have.
From the DNA recovered from the secret crash site, our scientists were able to grow 52% of Russian space dog Laika's brain tissue. Then they wired it to a pneumatic-powered titanium body and the lead scientists engaged Laika's nuclear core - the last thing they ever did.
After a long and brutal battle, we have managed to contain this monster and have wired her brain to the TankTrouble simulator. There are still some short circuits and the brain is still only working based on the most basic instincts.
The space dog is back!
Who is Laika? Read the story that never happened here...
The Lab often gets requests from webmasters wanting Tanktrouble on their site. Wahoo, it's now possible! Just follow the instructions in
The Lab and watch your traffic skyrocket!
The Lab
Yesterday one of our rookie scientists, having been bitten by our latest experiment and hence in a temporary (or possibly permanent) subhuman state, happened to overwrite some files and thereby opening The Lab. It was originally meant never to see the light of day, but we decided to let it be. We will use it for all the odd experiments, and make you the guinea pig.
The Lab
December the 18th destruction came to a standstill as TankTrouble servers crashed from massive traffic overload. Scientists, busy with cookie dough and Christmas carols, failed to fix this in their silly Christmas-nonsense. There was no excuse!
Disheartened, crestfallen and demoralized tank owners made our mailbox overflow with frustrated words, Facebook groups were established demanding TankTrouble back, and brave server owners offered hosting. In blistering cold Siberia, in the depths of our underground lab, the scientists rediscovered a long-forgotten phenomenon called
emotions and with bleeding hearts and no champagne they entered 2009:
"
Since TankTrouble shut down, my life has become aimless couch cruising. Please bring TankTrouble back!"
The laboratory atmosphere was very gloomy too.
"
Load this game up now, or I will hire assassins to tempt you!"
We understand (but save your money, the Russian government sends 'em plenty).
In January the scientists finally snapped out of their jolly holiday haze and began initializing new servers. On January 16th all systems were back online and TankTrouble was unleashed again!
TankTrouble now rests on faster, relentlessly reliable servers. Recommence destruction:
"
Thank you for bringing TankTrouble back. It makes my life worth living!!! IM A HUGE FAN!!!! LUV YA!!!"
Thanks for hanging in there.
"
I think there is a special place in heaven for you. TankTrouble rocks!!!"
Thanks, but we had a vote and all the scientists would rather go downstairs. See you there!
As for future plans, we have retrieved some doomed DNA and the lab is about to awaken something that's probably better left undisturbed (that's of course not going to stop us). So keep your eyes peeled, it will hit you soon - too soon! That's all we can say for now...
Thank you all for your dedicated patience and for hanging in there. We depend on you!
Check out TankTrouble on
Facebook or how about some crazy, enthusiastic fan footage on
YouTube?
Team TankTrouble
Been feeling miserable, depressed and blue? Thought all hopes were lost? Well, they were not! Forget the gloomy thoughts, squint your eyes and put your evil smile of destruction back on - TankTrouble is back!
Good news from the Siberian underground. Our scientists have located a brave (or possibly just oblivious) server to host some destruction. Yihaa! It took too long, we know! Our scientists went all in during Christmas yodeling carols and munching away ginger bread. If we weren't short on scientists there would be severe consequences!
Hang in there, we are close!
Team TankTrouble
Unfortunately, our hosting company has shut us down because we're starting to generate too much traffic. We are currently looking for a new hosting company and will hopefully be back in full force before you know it.
Thanks a lot for your support. It is because of you that we have achieved this shutdown :) We could not have dreamed of having so many users only one year after we opened the site.
See you soon. Merry Xmas and a scrappy new year!
Team TankTrouble
Tired of constantly being sniped by your little brother who always happens to be at the right spot to pick up the laser? Sick of the usual, random mazes you've been playing for a year now? Well, now you can customize your way out of these headaches! Through the new settings menu, you can select which weapons you want in your battles and what kind of mazes you want to play. We've even thrown in a new, more fair (although harder to learn) mouse control.
To access the settings menu, just click the gear when playing the game. It will start spinning and once the current battle is over, the menu will pop up.
Now, everybody can create their own mazes! You can save up to 3 mazes simultaneously and once your maze has been saved in the Maze Creator, you can start playing it with your friends. If your maze is approved by one of our unfair and extremely picky moderator monkeys, it will become available for everyone else to play as well.
The scientists want you to know that this is only the first version of the tool, so stay tuned for updates such as various traps and hazards, a maze ranking system and more. Also, they ask you to please forgive the poor graphics. The scientist with the artistic skills is still MIA - he was last seen in a mine field in Vietnam.
Now, get to work in the
Maze Creator!
As you have probably noticed, updates have been scarce during the last few months. Rest assured, we the scientists have not given up, but have been busy attending to our daytime jobs, which for the moment are in doing research in Fiji and Los Angeles. Having spent the better part of a year working hard in our homes the underground TankTrouble lab, we thus had to temporarily leave our country the scientists were starting to grow mad and decided they needed a change of scenery before someone ended up impaled on one of the missiles in the silo or "accidentally" trapped in the vacuum chamber.
The problem is that we need to split the workload between us since we have differing skills one needs both scientists' keys to access the lab's mainframe, so it has been hard to launch new features without being able to meet up full control over the system.
All has not been quiet internally, however, and we actually have two new weapons almost ready, a computer player just in need of some final tuning, plus a settings panel which allows you to customize your battles. Finally, we have cooked up a maze editor which should be ready in a couple of weeks, so all in all it's going to be a bloody good Christmas this year!
As always, thanks for your ongoing support and sorry for the holdup.
The Lab
With the newest weapon still hot off the assembly line, the Lab thought it would be a great time for a poll on your weapon of choice:
The days of hiding in the nooks and crannies of the maze are over. You are no longer safe anywhere! The new homing missile knows its way around corners so you better brush off your dodging techniques ...and fast!
Feedback keeps ticking in.. Lots of awesome ideas, words of acknowledgment and admission. Thanks, it's what keeps us going. Also there's some dissatisfaction with progress speed. The lab understands and thinks some explaining might help, like: Who is the lab really?
Being a top-secret, super classified project, the naked truth is an unfamiliar term for us but we've weaved in a little here ...maybe:
The lab is the collaborative brains of two guys scientists. In their private residences a bunker deep beneath Siberian soil these two devious minds conduct their shady experiments to develop TankTrouble. It's a non-profit project. The primary objective is to take over the world have fun! All the underhanded governmental fundings go to prototyping, so the two scientists feed on lab rats and condensed water off the walls So to put bread on the table, the two guys scientists are both engaged in full-time jobs in the real world.
Long story short: We are short on time and not grey matter. We don't lack ideas, will and dedication. The sketch board is piled up and updates are in the pipeline!
Again, thanks for all your feedback and thanks for your commitment.
The Lab
For way too long the database has been down. Now, finally it's operational again. All user data was lost! ...so we start from scratch. Our backup-responsible scientist has punished himself by locking himself up with the lab rats for a week. He says "Sorry guys".
These last days TankTrouble have encountered yet more crashes. The cause is some dodgy, cheap servers that has turned out rather unreliable. We will move to another more dependable host ASAP! Meanwhile we'll keep the site running the best we can.
Keep faith high. We do!
The Lab
On high demand from oodles of TankTrouble regulars, the lab has cooked up a
forum.
Go there to discuss: What's good? What's bad? Share maneuvering tricks and dodging techniques. Probe destructive ideas, and get a finger on the pulse of the latest tank fashion.
The lab will be eavesdropping!
The site is back online!
Damages have been assessed after yesterday's devastating meltdown. The gory damage report discloses lab rats scattered all over the walls - no survivors! But far more severe: A database with all tank registrations has been irreversibly lost. You will have to sign up again. All other systems have been repaired. The site is back online and seems to be running stable. This is why we are still in beta.
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The login system is still in beta. During the next month or so you may experience changes and downtime. Before moving to the final version we might reset or delete all accounts. Please report bugs.
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Yesterday at 0200 hours, a database crashed. The login systems are malfunctioning and the site needs a medic!
Our scientists are themselves in the dark about it but are putting a relentless effort into solving it.
We'll keep you posted!
Finally it's here! The much requested repaint facility allows you to change the colours of your tank over and over! There are 10 funky colours to choose from but there will be more...
Go to the garage now and shake those cans!
The Lab gets tons of feedback on the mouse controls. Some like it. Some don't. Our scientists have squeezed the liquids from their brains trying to find a solution. They think this calls for a poll:
25 days old and 9000+ tank owners already!
So what's happening? While appearance hasn't changed, our lab has been doing numerous changes under the hood to improve performance and stability. We think we are getting there but YOU have to help us test! Please report any weird and faulty behaviors.
Also, the lab is working on a re-paint facility. This will make it possible to change the colour of your tank. The lab is polishing off that one as we speak.
And, of course many tank owners ask for an online version saying it will spread the destruction beyond control. No doubt that's an awesome idea!!! The lab has begun a preliminary reconnaissance. It's a tough one - not likely to happen in the nearby future but we'll keep you posted.
However, we will have rankings soonish where you will be able to compare yourself and your destructive capabilities to your friends' and other tank owners across the planet. When is soonish you ask? Given that our scientists' brains are close to a meltdown due to some hot test results from a top secret chili-turret-experiment, all we can promise is soonish!
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The login system is still in beta. During the next month or so you may experience changes and downtime. Before moving to the final version we might reset or delete all accounts. Please report bugs.
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About one week old, the Garage quarters 4000+ tanks and counting. Awesome!
We get lots of good feedback from happy tank owners. The most frequent requests are:
1. Re-painting facility. No doubt we need this. We are working hard on this one!
2. Rankings! YES! Of course. Coming soon...
3. Upgrades and customization shop. It's on the lab's to-do list...
As some might have noticed we have moved from version 2.0 to 2.01. This update addresses server communication issues and should have made the login system more stable.
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The login system is still in beta. During the next month or so you may experience changes and downtime. Before moving to the final version we might reset or delete all accounts. Please report bugs.
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After many long hours of hard work, sweat is still dripping from the foreheads of our scientists as we proudly open The Garage.
The Garage is where you get your own personal tank. Besides bragging about owning a tank, signing up also lets you keep track of your victories,
kills,
deaths, customize your tank colours and more...
...additional features are already on the drawing board for The Garage. So keep an eye on this newsfeed - we'll keep you posted. Claim your tank now - sign up in
The Garage
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The login system is still in beta. During the next month or so you may experience changes and downtime. Before moving to the final version we might reset or delete all accounts. Please report bugs.
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At 0513 hours Siberian main time the Scrapyard flipped for its tenth million time. That's an impressive display of destruction in the 136 days young life of the site.
So what did we achieve? Lots of games played, lots of destruction, 3 new weapons (too few according to some, but we are working on that), and many other, smaller updates. The lab has gained lots of experience, and armed with awesome ideas (from the feedback from you guys) our dedicated scientists are ready to embrace a more bright and violent future.
Thanks to all of you for helping us destroy all these tanks - we couldn't have done it without you,
Team TankTrouble
The crooked smiles of the TankTrouble lab scientists grow with every feedback that ticks in - we read it all!
Thanks to all you loyal, evil and hardworking tank drivers out there for all the über cool ideas.
Here are some of the most frequent requests we get:
"We think you should make a login system. We would really like custom tank colours."
All our resources are currently focused on developing a login system. You'll be able to customize your tank, keep track of your scores and more...
"A homing missile would be awesome!!!"
We cannot reveal what's cooking in the classified areas but we'll not deny that it's something heatseeking that should warm up your hearts!
"Can you make it so you can play against the computer?"
From an unofficial russian crash site we retrieved some long lost DNA. No matter how cryptic that sounds it's all we can say.
"sdsdsfedefdseefsesffessf"
We get some of these but we don't quite understand. Please be a bit more specific.
"This game is awesome ;-) Could you please make more weapons?"
Thanks! And yes! More devious ideas have left the drawing board for prototyping...
Thank you feedbackers. Keep it coming...
Despite all the good intentions of destruction it has come to our lab's attention that some tank drivers have been unable to destroy anything with the new Gatling Gun. Hence this guide:
1. Pick up a crate.
2. Locate and point at something undesirable.
3. Press and
HOLD your fire button.
The clip offers an impressive 20 pieces of lead and while dispensing your tank can still move.
Enjoy and destroy!
Fresh out of the pipeline, our lab is delighted to unleash this shiny piece of destruction: The Gatling gun. This mean machine will get a nifty amount of lead airborne in a split second.
It's breathtaking ...literally!
Something devious is cooking in the lab!
It'll be fast - it'll be destructive - and best of all, it'll fit on top of your tank!
After having watched Dr. Strangelove the lab scientists felt inspired to fix a few minor bugs - so minor that they are hardly worth mentioning. "Ordnung muss sein!", as they say.
Rules of engagement just changed. Rather than stealing and exchanging points, victories are now simply counted. The new rules are applied to better fit with a super secret login system that is currently under development.
Couldn't hit a hangar if your tank was parked inside it? Then this is the weapon for you - you are guaranteed to destroy something!
Word of advise though, get out of the hangar before you detonate!
Email your loved ones and share the destruction! Tell your colleagues and heat up the office! Invite your friends and make new enemies! What are you waiting for?
At 0700 hours Siberian main time the scrapyard reached one million demolished tanks. But do not worry - we have plenty in stock, so keep up the destruction! ...also our lab has a little something in the pipeline that will make the second million seem a lot closer.
Turned out there was a shortcut in the Laser that caused the tank to self destruct occasionally. It has now been rewired.
No weapons of mass destruction in your stocking this morning? Cheer up! Just in time to save Christmas, our lab has finished a hazardous laser that'll vaporize your enemy in the blink of an eye. Watch out!
The site is now one week old, and our most delightful fear is a reality. Judging by the number of demolished tanks in the scrapyard and the violent history of the TankTrouble simulator, we could be heading towards the beginning of the end of days.
We appreciate the feedback we have received and we take every suggestion and critique serious - keep it coming! ...and by the way, our lab has a laser in the pipeline!
Team TankTrouble
The following never happened.
In the most red-hot time of the Cold War in a secret research facility hidden deep beneath the Siberian soil, the USSR launched an unusually sly and diabolic experiment - codenamed TankTrouble.
In 1957 Russian scientists had developed the most devious tank simulator. Its sole purpose was to train and breed the most unscrupulous tank platoon ever to set tracks on the planet - operated by dogs! 42 dogs from the dreary and unforgiving streets of Moscow were captured and taken to the facility where training began. The dogs were relentlessly exposed to the simulator and played each other intensively. The simulator worked like a drug and they were soon more addicted to playing TankTrouble than to dog biscuits. But then it all went wrong.
Unexpectedly, the scientists themselves got hooked. In a matter of days both scientists and dogs were stripped of all recognizable characteristics and behaviors and became violent machines. Raving mad and acting on something deeper than instincts, bloodshed was inevitable. It ended in a battle that redefined violence and there were more flying bodyparts in the air than confetti on new years eve. Knowing the Russian government would terminate the project, the lead scientist in his final breaths embedded the simulator in the dog tag of his favorite dog, Laika. He then launched Laika into space from the facility's rocket silo. Shortly after these events the USSR conducted a suspicious amount of nuclear tests in the Siberian tundra and the existence of the facility has never been substantiated. The USSR government confirms that they deny everything.
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The top secret underground facility
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The savage seconds before takeoff
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Laika and TankTrouble orbited earth 302.528 times during the past 50 years before they finally crashed at an unknown site. Thanks to sources that shall remain unknown, the TankTrouble simulator resurfaces after 50 years in orbit. Let the dogfight begin!
